Power Parenting

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The most powerful thing you can do as a parent is to empower your teenager.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to help the parents of teenagers, whether through our residential program, through books, our blogs, seminars, or our two national radio programs. 

As you can imagine, I also receive numerous calls and emailed pleas for help from parents of struggling teens every day. I’d like to share a few excerpts from the messages I received in my email Inbox today:

Well … On Christmas Eve, I kicked my daughter out of my house ( she is my eldest ) because for the umpteenth time she didn’t have any desire to follow rules, not lie, or respect her family…

and…

My 13 year-old son does not mind me at all. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie, and he has also been stealing things and getting into trouble at school. His attitude is — “I don’t care about anything” — and I am afraid that his bad language and bad habits will start affecting my 3 year old…

also…

We have currently been experiencing some problems with our 14 year old daughter. She has tried to run away once and has gotten into fights at school. She is very defiant towards us and is really hateful toward her younger brother — age 10.

and…

We are dealing with our 15 year old daughter who is convinced she’s a lesbian, is cutting, and possibly has an eating disorder.

Like these concerned parents, you might be having a bump in the road. You hope there will be better days ahead. Perhaps you would like your child to stop lying, be more respectful, get better grades, or act as if they appreciate all you’ve done for them. Or, maybe it’s more than that, and you don’t know exactly what needs to change, but you know something must change or your family won’t hold up under all the strain and stress of living with an out of control teen.

We don’t often think of change in terms of giving something up in order to gain something better — especially as it applies to parenting. Usually, we believe that things will get better if we just clamp down harder and get things under our control.  But that’s not always the case.  So, let’s talk a minute about Power Parenting.

Empower Your Teenager

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do as a parent is to give some of your power over them.  A line from the 1994 publication Flight of the Buffalo says it best;  “Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they gain by giving it up.” I tell parents all the time, if you want your child to grow up, you have to let go of some of the power and control over their life.

It boils down to one very simple concept — the best way to empower your teenager is to gradually share the power you have, allowing them more and more control and responsibility for their own decisions.

To empower your child, hand them the responsibility for their own decisions.

For the helicopter parent, the habit of picking up the slack, covering all the bases, answering all the questions, solving all the problems, and making everything easy for their teen is not doing the teenager any real favors.  Instead, it keeps them immature, dependent and powerless.

Responsibility becomes an internal life force when parents
empower a child to make decisions, line out their
options, define the consequences, and then let them choose.

If your teenager is fully capable of doing well, communicate that belief to him by handing over more and more control and responsibility. Fortunately, most teens want to take control of things in their life — so let them. Let them make choices, but also let them bear the responsibility for those choices. Line out their options, define the consequences, and then let them choose. Then, don’t rescue them or hold back one bit in relation to enforcing consequences for their poor choices. And don’t forget to congratulate and reward them for making good choices!

When empowered, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on mom and dad to fix everything, to understanding that they are the ones responsible for how things turn out. They may make many mistakes before they begin to understand what good decision-making looks like. And they may even try every trick in the book to get you to rescue them out of their poor choices.  But don’t do it!  Hold them responsible, just as they will some day be held accountable as an adult.

When to Exercise Full Parental Power

Now, let me address the family dealing with a teen who is already spinning out of control or has issues with drugs or alcohol.  This issue is entirely different. In this day and age, a child choosing to self-destruct or to live a dangerous lifestyle could end up in serious trouble, or could even die. In situations like this, empowerment shifts back to the parent, who must intervene and retake decisive control.

In this case, I recommend taking whatever measures are necessary to insure the safety of your teen.  It’s up to you to create a solution, such as counseling or rehab, or he may need to live somewhere else while going through this. And you, too, will need to surround yourself with good counsel and a group of godly friends who are willing to pray with you and encourage you.

Before you determine the needed changes, get the right kind of counsel to map out a plan of action. Then, with plan in hand, and with all the power you can muster, communicate this message: “Honey - we love you.  Nothing you do or say will make us love you any less, and nothing you do or say will make us love you any more.  But we are not going to live like this anymore. Since you are not making the right choices on your own, here is what will change in your life, as of today…”

As always, we’re here to help in this process and especially to help you map out your plan of action. Call our Helpline at 866-700-3264 or visit our FamilyCrisisCoaching.com web page for more information. Or, look into our quarterly Families in Crisis Conference, coming up in late January. More about the 3-day retreat can be seen at www.FamilyCrisisConference.com.

In Closing…

I want to share a heartbreaking email message I just this minute received as I was finishing writing this article, this time from a teenager…

I have been in a program before but was kicked out because I didn’t want to obey the rules. When I got out I realized I needed help and wish I could go back. I suffer from depression and cut myself. I attempted suicide and almost died, then went to a program and didn’t want help so didn’t take it. I can be very verbally abusive to my parents and do hit them. I was adopted and have had lots of issues with that. I need help and am willing to do whatever it takes to receive it. –Marie (age 15)

Some may believe that teenage problems are generally trivial and “child’s play,” or that parents are just overreacting.  I hope that such a plea for help from a dear 15 year old teenager sheds a different light on the struggles of teenagers today and what we deal with every day here at Heartlight.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight Residential Counseling Center for Struggling Teens. More teen parenting articles and online audio resources can be found at http://www.MarkGregston.com. Mark’s video seminar for small groups can be seen at www.DealingWithTodaysTeens.com.

Deceptions of Teen Drug Use

When it comes to drug or alcohol use, we parents want to give our kids the benefit of the doubt. But for some kids, there are signs that something is different, and that’s when we should be on our toes. The phrase benefit of the doubt is defined as, “a favorable opinion adopted despite uncertainty.” Do you experience uncertainty? Do you wonder if your child has been using drugs or alcohol? Does he or she act, speak, reason or look differently?

Statistics show that 1 in 4 high school seniors use an illicit drug once a month; 1 in 5 use weekly; 1 in 10 use daily. Drug use is no respecter of religious versus non-religious, public versus private school kids.  And because today’s drugs, especially pot, are far more potent than in the 70’s, teenagers become addicted more quickly and overdose more easily. But the fastest growing “drugs” of choice today are common household items like aerosols, glues, prescription drugs, pain killers, cold medications, and prescription medications used to treat anxiety or Attention Deficit Disorders.   More >>

What Your Teen Wants From You

Years ago, I listened to a man on the radio that I’ve been a fan of all my life, Chuck Swindoll.  He stated in so many words, “What I want written on my epitaph is that ‘Dad was fun!’”  Does that surprise you?  It did me.  I thought what every good Christian parent was supposed to want written on their epitaph was something to the affect of how godly or spiritual a person they were, or some thought about how they provided for the family.  And here was one of the most godly men that I ever listened to sharing about how he wanted to be known forever as a “Dad of fun.”

So, what kind of parent do you want to be?  Here are some other good suggestions…   More >>

A Confusing Culture for Teens and Parents

Most teenagers would love for their parents to get a taste of how confusing this culture is for them.  They face a difficult world and have to process an amazing amount of information and conflicting values every day.  They are overwhelmed on many levels. 

The cultural pressures teens face today are far worse than we faced when we were that age.  Any given day your teen may be exposed to pornography, perversion, immoral lifestyles, and encouraged by peers to participate in self-destructive behaviors.  They live in a raw culture where what is right, healthy, and nurturing is deemed to be all wrong and what is wrong is thought to be all right.

Teens need to fit in, no matter how bizarre this world has become. So the dilemma Christian parents face is how to train their children to maneuver through their culture without allowing it to control them or to either dilute or counter your spiritual beliefs.   More >>

Confronting Inappropriate Teen Relationships

PARENT QUESTION: I suspect my teen is involved in inappropriate sexual activity.  Should I pry and spy into my teen’s privacy to find out for sure?

MARK’S ANSWER:  My answer is the same here as it is for any parent suspecting inappropriate behavior and poor decision-making in their teen - an unequivocal “Yes!”  And here’s how to deal with it…

Remember, for teens, violation of your family policies means automatic invasion of their privacy, until you are sure you know the whole truth.  While it is important to trust your teen, if you suspect something is happening and the warning signs are there, action is required.  Adolescents are capable of making poor choices, being deceived, and easily influenced in ways that could unravel your family forever.   More >>

Teen Girls and Sexual Identity

Today’s teens are influenced by a culture that, in many ways, fosters great confusion about sexual identity.  Kids are encouraged by their idols and classmates to act on their feelings, and ”anything goes.”  Teens doing whatever they want, along with a newfound acceptance and outright promotion of homosexual lifestyles, culminates in a confusion for even well-schooled Christian teens.   More >>

Boys to Men

Thirty years ago, a pastor of the church I worked for asked me, “Mark, do you see every person in this room?” I knew there was a lesson coming.  He then said something that has been with me every since.  He said, “Each person here feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.”  You might not think that too profound.  Over the years I have learned that his comment was utterly profound.  I think it especially applies to fifteen-year-old boys.   More >>

Ten Steps to Maturity For Teenage Boys

Fifteen is the age when a boy moves into manhood while still holding on to the boyish ways of childhood. It is a time when parents need to be extra vigilant to help him make it through the transition smoothly, and therefore not get stuck at this stage for several years.

Age 15 is when the your son’s thoughts and his expectations crash like ocean waves amidst a sea of change. It’s the end of one tide and the beginning of another.  At the very least, it’s an awkward season. Increased hormones, growth spurts, voice changes, muscles, and moving from concrete to abstract thinking all tend to make a young man feel a jumble of both invincibility and vulnerability.  And as a first step toward making up his own mind about life, everything you’ve taught him will be questioned.   More >>

Failed First Flights

Wanna Know What You Can Do to Guarantee that Your Children Won’t Fall Prey to Drugs, Sex and Peer Pressure in the Teen Years? 

By Mark Gregston (http://www.heartlightministries.org)

I often talk to people who believe that teaaching good values, taking their kids to church every time the doors are open, putting them in a religious school and promoting family togetherness will guarantee that all will be well in the teenage years. Like buying an insurance plan, they think that doing the right things will bring about the right result.   More >>

Teen Spin Control

Are you dealing with a struggling teen in your home?  Are emotions running high and hope running low?  I’d like to offer you some advice to help you find peace in the midst of this struggle.

There is nothing worse than living with a struggling teen who is spinning out of control, and no worse feeling than the hopelessness parents experience in the process.  It is difficult to know what to do and how to react when your teen daily reaches new lows in disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect, and chooses every wrong thing.   More >>

The Dream Teen

When we first hold our newborns, their whole life, all the possibilities, flash through our minds. 

Will she be a dancer?  Will he be a jock?  I want her to do this.  He needs to be like this.  As our children grow, we are able to live out those dreams for our children with them for a while.  Young children are only too happy to do what Mommy and Daddy ask.  Life is good.  Your family is just like you have always imagined.  Everybody has his or her script and is following along perfectly.    More >>

What If Your Teenager is Pregnant?

If you ever get the news that your unmarried teenage daughter is pregnant, let me assure you of something…you will get through it, and God will honor His word to cause all things to work together for good. 

I’ve seen what many would think be the worst of situations turned into the most wonderful of opportunities.  Even though it isn’t what a parent would want, I’ve got to tell you…hearts turn, a teen matures in ways they would have never matured, and parents embrace their relationship with their daughter in ways they would have never thought possible.    More >>